Here I am, one year later. I am alive and I am well. I am strong, though I had once crumbled. I have grown, but I am still growing.
One year ago, I was paralyzed by fear, anxiety, and worry over my health. I literally could not function normally. I barely got out of bed for three weeks, couldn’t go to work, couldn’t eat, couldn’t carry on. I lost ten pounds in two weeks, the anxiety and worry made my stomach so sick and consumed so much of my mind that I had to force myself to eat bread or whatever I could tolerate every day or so.
I was making weekly trips to different doctors, getting whatever I thought was a terminal illness or cancer checked out. I would wake up in the morning so ridden with anxiety that I would immediately call off work and go to the doctor. I missed so much work, in fact, that I made $11,000 less last year than I had the year before that.
I was put on anxiety medication, and I honestly only remember bits and pieces from those few months. My head was in a constant fog, and I still worried consistently. I thought I was dying, I thought something was wrong and that the dozens of doctors and emergency rooms I had went to were somehow missing it.
Here I am, one year later, one year after this all began. I am stronger. The devil is trying so hard to kill me with worry and anxiety again. Even though I doubted, prayed, screamed at God for a year, He was always there. He held me in His hands when I truly could not move.
I barely made it through last year. But this year, I am fighting back. Fighting the thoughts, ignoring the devil, dealing with my issues and concerns, which there are way less of, and moving forward. I have not been dwelling on them. I am moving forward. I am learning. I am growing.
I am almost me again.
"Is something driving you crazy, making you sad or stressing you out? Tell God. That’s it. That’s prayer. You don’t have to pray about big world issues or the eternal salvation of someone’s soul. It’s simply your chance to talk about what’s bothering you to your Heavenly Dad who loves you with an unending love. The more real and raw and honest and unscripted it is, the better. The more ‘you’ it is, the better."- Lee Younger (via breatheinandloveout)
But sometimes He wants you to bust through the walls!!
"Come boldly, O believer, for despite the whisperings of the enemy and the doubtings of thine own heart, thou art greatly beloved."-Charles Spurgeon (via made-alive-in-christ)
"Mercy triumphs over judgment. Love casts out fear. Peace surpasses understanding. For Christ Jesus has promised them all, and not one of His promises can be broken. There is hope in this world. Always, forever, and for always - hope in a dying world, for it will be made new."-
"Even when I hear nothing, I rest in knowing He hears me."-Bryce Avary (via myransomedsoul)
God: Love, I have waited for you. And love, I was wounded for you. Won't you look into my eyes, through the pain and through your pride and find I am true. You're the one I can't deny and I'll never leave your side. I gave my life for you.
Me: It would be easier if You were just a thought in my head. Simply something that I once read. A belief needing my defense.
God: I feel it in your eyes. There's pain that covers up these lies
Me: Now You pull me near You. When we're close, I fear You. Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done. Are You done forgiving? Oh can You look past my pretending? Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become. What have I become?
God: I already know who you are and all things that kept us apart. So reach in and touch My scars and know the price I paid for your heart.
Me: Well I'm falling to my knees. I feel the earth beneath. With the weight of my sin, and this crushing unbelief could You really love me with all that I've done, oh Lord?
God: I'll still love you beyond what words can say. I'll take your every suffering moment and bring a better day. I'll still love you more than what I hope to be. Let me wrap my arms around you. Let me take your breath away.
Me: I'm tired. I'm worn. My heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I've made mistakes. I've let my hope fail, my soul feels crushed by the weight of this world.
God: Come to the Water you who thirst and you'll thirst no more. Come to the Father you who work and you'll work no more.
Me: Satisfy me Lord, oh oh. Satisfy me Lord, oh oh. I'm begging You, to help me see. You're all I want, You're all I need. Oh, satisfy me Lord.
God: I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone. I don't care where you fall, where you have been. I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
Here at my side My hands are holding you.
"Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives."-(via recoveringpeacock)
shallow breaths. curled up.
she is tired. unsure of how
she’s made it this far.
clinging to many things,
and attached to nothing.
loves just enough
i am barely getting by, she whispers.
i am here.
i am alive.
but i am not living.
where is the truth in Your promises?
where is my moment?
for Grace and Mercy and
Your Love to be evident.
i am clinging to many things,
other than You.
can i let go?