I think you all should know that for a really long time, I was very jealous of a lot of you. Any time you would experience these grand life events such as engagements, weddings, pregnancies, I would cringe. I’d scroll through the posts and some things could quite honestly incite crying or a depression or worry that could carry on for days. Posts that at one point were the cause of a two month deactivation of my Facebook account because I couldn’t stand it. I’d scroll through and wonder why all of these people, some of which I felt didn’t even deserve these things, were living a life that I wanted.
Until a couple of weeks ago.
A couple of weeks ago, I finally, finally, realized that there are only a very select few of you that I do envy. Those of you that have done things right. Those of you that have these amazing, God-written love stories and Christ centered relationships. I envy that. But I am also SO glad and so INSPIRED by the fact that there are a few of you that have that. I love watching those of you from Unite have these wonderful relationships, that turn into engagements, that turn into weddings.
The rest of you that used to be the cause of many stressful, sad nights, I don’t want what you have. Not one bit. I don’t want a baby if it comes from an unplanned pregnancy that forces me into a relationship or marriage with someone that I otherwise wouldn’t have chosen to spend my life with. Or if it leaves me alone as a single mom struggling to take care of it because the father is completely out of the picture. I don’t want to be stuck in a relationship for the rest of my life because I’m too afraid to move on or too afraid to be alone. I don’t want to be in a relationship or engaged to someone that doesn’t love and respect me exactly as Christ would. I don’t envy the relationships full of anger, emotional abuse, bitterness, or sexual sin. I’m so sad that it took me so long to realize many of you don’t have anything I’d ever actually want. I’m certainly not jealous of any of those things. I don’t want any of that. I only wish that some of you would want more for yourselves as well.